Relationship – Fairlight Coaching

There is a trend in modern relationships where women become increasingly displeased that their partners aren’t meeting all their needs. They want a protector, provider, lover (with many asterisks beside this), best friend, emotional confidante, cheerleader, political equal, and someone to share their interests.

He can’t be your everything, though. You are a dynamic, complex human, with constantly evolving needs. Holding one human responsible for all your needs isn’t realistic.

The Truth?

The truth? You are responsible for some of those needs. And the absolute truth? You are responsible for your own happiness.

Our society has evolved rapidly over the last few centuries. We went from intensively tribal and tight-knit community driven society to essentially one-man islands. This disconnect from community has led us to seek complete fulfillment from one partner. So, instead of having one romantic partner that fulfills a handful of needs and wants, and then a community of peers and elders that fill our other needs, we look for a partner that is our everything.

I don’t want to sell short the importance of a partner that is attuned to you. A partner with a growth mindset, who puts you as a priority in their life, is worth their weight in gold. This is part of what I work on with clients – how to hear each other and work towards optimizing their relationship.

Conversely, there are partners that might meet so few of your needs, you find you are constantly unhappy. This can be untenable. It really is about balance. And it’s also about committing to the journey alongside each other.

An Example

Let’s work through a scenario. Imagine you have started to become irritated with your partner. They simply don’t like to talk about emotions. When you are upset after a long day at work, you want to vent, and you want emotional support. Additionally, you want them to express their emotional needs of the day. You vent out all your day and are met with a few word response. This can feel dismissive and frustrating.

If you are in a relationship with a man, it’s important to have perspective. Women are the portals of life. Because of our relationship as these portals and because of the hormones that run through our bodies (and of course, in my opinion to a less extent, society conditioning), women have different emotional expression needs. We are relationship driven. This is not to say that men don’t feel deeply. They do.

If you have a partner that struggles to meet your needs in this area, especially after they have tried to work on it, it can be helpful to allow those feelings of frustration exchange for a sense of responsibility to finding a solution for filling this need. It sounds harsh in a society that is all about finding the perfect mate. But consider these solutions: Do you have friends that can serve this purpose? Have you tried somatic releases or exercises to balance your nervous system? What about journaling to express the day?

This same partner may excel at meeting other needs. They might be incredibly attuned at giving physical touches and affections or even words of affirmation. They might be helpful in the chores and other tiring areas of life.

Recognizing what gifts your partner brings to your relationship is important. It’s an attitude of gratitude, which sounds corny, but is absolutely true. If you find yourself fixating on the things you are lacking, that lack will grow. If you instead, fixate on the things you have that you are grateful for, those feelings of gratitude will grow.

It’s a very subtle, but incredibly powerful mental shift. So, just remember, your partner can’t be your everything, but that does’t mean going without. It simply means shifting perspectives and responsibilities.

Welcome to my series on Relationships: Communication. In today’s session we’re going to discuss the 5 Love Languages and what barriers and conflicts may arise in your relationship because of them.

Does it sometimes feel like your partner is missing the mark when trying to connect with you? As the days (or years) pass this can lead to feelings of resentment and a “love cup” that is running empty. As humans we are motivated and bound by love and connection, so when these cups run empty, we can lose our way. If this is the case – it’s possible that you and your partner may have different ideas of what it means to show love and be loved.

History of Love Languages

This concept was first introduced by marriage counselor and minister Gary Chapman in his 1992 book entitled, “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate.” )

The main concept behind his book was the misinterpreting of intentions (and needs) by our partners and how that can lead to a disconnect. There’s been some back and forth within the psychology community about its validity, but the truth remains that communicating our needs and being heard is one of the most important aspects of a relationship.

And frankly, when humans feel their needs are being met – we’re more amiable, more willing to give to others, and are more fulfilled.

The 5 Love Languages

1. Words of Affirmation:
If you have this main language, your proverbial love cup is filled when you receive spoken words of praise and appreciation. These can be put into practice by showing verbal appreciation for deeds, appearance, and the vocalization of feelings.

2. Quality Time:
You want focused attention from your partner. You need active listening and love a good date night.

3. Acts of Service:
Life can be overwhelming with responsibilities and chores. In this love language, you feel loved when your partner helps you with chores, bills, and childcare.

4. Physical Touch:
These love languages need physical affection to feel loved. They want random kisses and hugs, holding hands on a date, and plenty of intimate time.

5. Receiving Gifts:
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism. It’s about having a tangible, physical representation of your partner’s feelings. They remember special occasions and mark them with gifts (handmade or bought), flowers, date, and trips. It’s not about the price tag.

Quickstart Ideas for Using Love Languages

1. Words of Affirmation:

Compliments on appearance or accomplishments (however large or small)
Frequent encouraging text messages or note, such as: “Thank you for this meal” or “You look beautiful/handsome.”

2. Quality time:

Date nights
Practice Active Listening at the end of the day – Tell me about your day

3. Acts of Service:

Help with chores without being asked
Do chores together
Give your partner a night off

4. Physical Touch:

Hold hands on a walk
Run your hands through their hair
Give spontaneous hugs
Initiate intimate time

5. Receiving Gifts:

Write special days in your calendar
Bring back souvenirs from trips

How Love Languages Form

We may feel like we have “moved on” past childhood traumas, but this is a limited view on the scope of trauma. Our childhoods are what form our lenses of the world. They create the languages that we speak, and this is seen in a macro version of the romantic relationships we hold. Early patterns can play out beneath the surface, which is why figuring out your own love language can be such a powerful tool.

“People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need.”
– Gary Chapman

Love Language Quiz

To find a free quiz to access your own love language, you can visit:

https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language

This site was made by the founder of these concepts, Gary Chapman, and will give you your main love language for free. A more in-depth analysis costs a bit more, but this is a good starting point.

Communication is Key

In order to put these concepts into practice, it’s of such importance that you have open communication with your partner about what your needs are. This starts with you yourself understanding what it is you need.

It may not be obvious to your partner that your needs are different than theirs. We tend to look at the world with a myopic view. Clearly communicating what your love language is and giving a few examples to your partner can make a significant difference. Be sure to do this during peaceful times when everyone’s nervous system is regulated.

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